This is my first post, and the first time I am telling people the thoughts, be they crazy or irrational or logical,
Through the years, I have gone through so many ups and downs, most of the time I’m confused and scared and alone because my access to help is often limited.
Went to the ER last night because I’m so sucidal and angry and sad.
I have watched so many people who were my friends and family, cut me off or just basically fade away because they dont want me around them any more. Or I have sensed the shame they feel by being associated with me and just ignoring me in public.
I dont know what else to do except create this blog and perhaps over time, it will help not just me, but people who also deal with the pain and lonliness of this little understood disorder. My own family, still can’t seem to understand there are certain things I need, and one of them is to be acknowledged as a member of the family over and over and over. Coming from a hearing family, and despite their ignorance of the nuances of deaf people, it seems they get so tired of me “complaining” about being left out that I just literally stopped intermingling with them, stopped talking about life and sharing what I am up to. They literally have no idea who I am, except when I’m in a bad place, then they impatiently deal with me. They just dont understand that my life is not ’sound based’ but visual all the way. I love my family but I’m so afraid that once my mom passes on, I’m done and cannot live any more.
I have been extremely suicidal for the last few weeks and in all honesty, I really don’t want to die because there is so much to do….however, that deep hole inside which becomes darker as the days wear on makes me feel hopeless and alone because I think I’m worthless and bad.
This blog is not only for me, but for anyone who needs a safe place to go, to share, to cry and being with others who also feel left out, alone, hopeless and god forbid, suicidal. Please let your friends and family know about this blog, Who knows, maybe there is someone worst off than me, who has absolutely no access and no support.
To the so-called professionals, you’re welcome to join us, but please be aware, that your words of ‘knowledge’ means nothing because you happened to have a degree and work in the field of mental health. Being bipolar does not mean we’re stupid and helpless. A majority of bipolar people are extremely intelligent, sometimes verging on the genius, and we can spot a fake a mile away.
21 Comments
you are so NOT alone!!!!
it is so so so fustrating to wade through a maze of ignorant mental health professionals (I say ignorant, because when it comes to deaf people, they ARE ignorant) and often, we’re left feeling more discouraged because it seems like there’s no exit, only dead ends.
and when you’re already rock bottom, it’s just a sh*tty feeling to know that getting help/support isn’t possible.
sometimes I stop and notice how happy I am and it turns into dread, because there is a part of you that knows that this will NOT last… and sliding back into the pit of gloom is never pleasant. the trip down never fails to pack a wallop.
Thanks, Comrade.
like you im not ready to reveal myself. deaf people in general is a cruel lot, and more so if they know you have this disorder. im not saying all deaf people but you get my drift.
you hit it on the nose about how it feels. right now, i feel despair and alone. appreciate your comment.
One of the people I love most in the world is deaf. She’s 96 now, has been deaf since age 8, and is my life’s guiding light.
Two of my three children have bipolar disorder. Each was diagnosed at 17 and have struggled greatly toward wellness and stability.
I am a writer, speaker and mental health advocate; and I invite you to visit my website at http://www.katemclaughlin.net
I update my blog Monday through Friday and have tons of valid, science and research based pages and links, as well as a loving, maternal perspecive.
Visit! Comment. Question. Link.
kate,
are you deaf?
It is great weblog about being Deaf bipolar. I know of friends for long time who are dealing with it but this post is vivid and moving, great with wording. I have learned something more. You have shared your painful and near-death experience with us … yet, you are a huge help for the many others to open the doors to share and cope with it. The Light has shone on you with the guidance and strength. I am so thankful.
From cb with love.
Thanks CB. Hearing this from you means a lot to me.
You are NOT alone.
It’s frustrating to live in our neck of the woods…. our excuse (while valid) is that we want to be close to family. My excuse is same.
But.. don’t.. please don’t think that your Mom defines your whole existence. Your mom is awesome, with her faults and whatever…. It’s not up to her life about if you should continue.
Your friends care deeply about you.. regardless of how much they’ve gotten swarmed with other stuff… You’re still on MY mind. I miss you, V.
We’re long due a visit aren’t we? I’m just a couple hours from you… Let’s get together, babe.
x0×0x0
*mwuah*
Tim
Thanks Tim,
Yes, we are long overdue a visit. lets hook up and i’ll come over and visit or we can meet halfway somewhere.
Thank you for saying what you said. It’s true my mom doesnt define my life and shouldn’t.
That’s a date, babe. *smooches*
Watch your inbox.
Hi
You know you are one talented woman. You mentioned that you wanted to move… where there are more support and services… Don’t let the $$ stop you. I am sure there is a good place you can run to..
Thanks Kathleen…
Yes I’m now thinking seriously of moving west again where I used to live. 10 years away from my ‘home’ is long enough and I need a place where I can access 24/7, not business hours 9-5, M-F only.
Stay tuned.
Am feeling better today.
And I need a home to come visit out west!
Glad you’re feeling better today. x0
Sweetie
This is a great blogsite! I can imagine it to have useful links.
By the way, I went to: http://www.katemclaughlin.net/famouspeoplewbp.asp and I visualized your name there.
Hang in there and do what helps you through what I can only imagine.
Here’s me reminding you of our Elvis Presley Peanut Butter Mayo Banana Honey sandwich for a morning meal.
HUGS, DANNY
http://www.learningplaceonline.com/living/inspiration/cup-coffee.htm
This is a start. A wonderful start of something that may be the place for people to go to. I will be sure to let others know about this website.
I cannot even imagine what it is like, nor will I dare to because imagination and actuality are worlds apart.
This somewhat gives me an idea…. Why don’t you and a couple other people who understands Bipolar (Deaf or friends/family of the Deaf) work on a grant to start educating the professionals and maybe rally with the gov’t on ensuring that they don’t just do an hour’s worth of disabilities section related to bipolar…but a ENTIRE semester dedicated to understanding deaf culture and making it a requirement in order to graduate with a degree.
Whaddya think?
Now that is an idea… Cherilyn… I never thought of that but really not only the so call professionals need this but the community as well. There is a conference coming for consumer called breakout I believe will be in RI…
You went to the Ohio and you did a fabo job. Maybe reach out to the committee and start something there…
I think its a great idea too! However, to be honest, I just dont have the energy or wherewithal to start something new. I’m too burned out, and after spending years starting things, only to be pushed out and others take over and get the credit for all the hard work I put in, I just don’t want to do it anymore.
If anyone wants to start something, get a grant, gov’t support or whatever, I’d be more than happy to help, but I cant be a pioneer anymore. I’m worn out, sick and not capable of doing serious organizational structure and forming a group such as this anymore. All I want to do, is continue to work in my chosen profession, hopefully make enough to live on, and be happy. It’s my time to be selfish…I’ve given so much much much to the deaf community, but feel my work has been ignored and repressed. Those who know me well, know what I’m talking about and know how frustrated I have been in getting things started and educating in the process. Look at the AA work I have done. I even sacrifice my hard earned savings to get a residential program going, only to have another so-called group do it and get nationwide attention and money.
Can’t do it anymore. Too tired.
Wow Danny!
That link you send me really makes sense. Everyone should read it. It’s a positive, visual approach, without having to go into a bunch of words and text.
Thanks for sharing that. More more more please!
Deafbipolar: Thank you very much for your willingness to be open, and to reach out to others. I know you’re totally exhausted — your words show how deep your feelings are, and how hard you have tried over the years.
I’ve been a mental health professional for more than 20 years, working with the Deaf, and I share your frustrations at being unable to find resources that really understand. Today, with MH dollars being so limited, most “counseling” services have been reduced or eliminated, and mental health “care” is reduced to dispensing medications and a few checkup visits to make sure you’re still alive. Sometimes I get so frustrated that I want to throw tantrums and scream at the “system.”
As you’ve noted, there are resources on the Net that show you’re not alone in your struggles. In the few states where quality MH services exist for the Deaf, staff are overwhelmed with seriously mentally ill people whose needs exceed the limited resources available. I’m sure you’re aware of those places where you can get good quality services in ASL, and that there are VERY FEW places like that in the country.
If its any consolation to you, many highly successful people struggle with bipolar disorder. I once heard Robin Williams talking about his illness, and how he manages to cope with feelings of mania followed by deep depression states. He said he can’t maintain a “normal” performance schedule, because everything revolves around his rapid cycling, and while medication helps him tremendously, there are times when he simply cannot be out in public, for fear of what he might do…
I’m a very frustrated mental health administrator who wishes he could do more, but the SYSTEM is set up to nearly guarantee failure, and new federal dollars simply perpetuate a system that is failing everyone, Deaf and non-Deaf alike.
Thanks ICVoices.
It’s true that its very limited for those of us who are deaf. After this recent episode, I had to make some hard decisions and one of them is after 10 years of living in this area, It’s time for me to move back west where I’m from originally so I can be close to services and support. Having grown up in the system out there, and being grateful that I was able to get the intensive care and guidance I got when I was first diagnosed and the subsequent education they gave me, I decided for my own mental health, it would be better to go back to where I felt safe.
Appreciate your support!
Your comment about Robin Williams really got to me. I, too, felt it was hard to hold down a job because of this. I couldn’t keep a schedule where I work, play, sleep and eat. It constantly changes month to month, sometimes weekly, sometimes daily. The only thing that keeps me going is being brutally honest with myself and apologizing as much as I can. I, too, spend less time socializing within the deaf community because they often trigger an episode. You and I both know deaf people aren’t always aware and nice about these issues, especially those in the Midwest. (I’ll say the same with hearing…however deaf community is MUCH smaller!)Us Bipo peeps need other people around to keep our sanity, but sometimes it can backfire on us. Sigh!
Anyways, thanks for sharing!
Hi, I have known you for a long time. You have many talents. Please do not give up as everyone have high points and low points in their lives. I have gone through many myself. I still remember all the fun times we had together in the past with many different people. These memories are what keeps me going through life. As I go through life, I keep memories and learn from these low points.
I do hope you can hang in there and make it to the next high point in life.
And yes, I agree that it is hard to ignore the deaf community.