It’s the Isolation

It’s the isolation, the solitude, the aloneness when your mind starts to do funny things to you, say things that are old, or long long ago forgotten. It brings back negative thinking and then becomes even more isolating because no one wants to hear what your mind is saying…only a therapist…and who can afford one, especially a lousy hearing therapist who has no concept of the ‘deaf’ experience.

I need one desperately. I dont know what to do, how to go about getting one over VP. Since I live in a town that tends to call deaf “death” or the nearest deaf friendly therapist is in another state.

It’s the iolation of feeling like the only intelligent deaf in my neighborhood. I just dont care to be around people whos biggest excitement is the local baseball team and what other deaf people do or worst-the backstabbing, gossiping, malicious behavior. I want to be around great minds.

It’s the isolation of family, who has their own lives to live, and is tired of being around me that sometimes I feel like they tolerate me. They say they love me but I can’t feel it. I SO want to feel or understand what their love is like. All I usually see is they are upset with me or mad at me.

It’s the isolation of not being able to be fully 100% honest in public…to see all the masks everyone is wearing and know its not real. So many of them have grotesques mask…plastic, unexpressive and frozen.

The friends I cherish. They want so bad to understand me, but I can see it in their eyes, they can only go so far, then they have to return to their lives.

It’s the pain, the sorrow of being alone, so deep, sometimes I just want to hurt myself so I can feel I’m still alive and living in a REAL world. People say cherish this time, because later you will be busy.

It’s the isolation of this time that I fear, because it always comes back to pain, nothing but numbing and painful ache, deep and dark.

Bipolar and signs

A friend of mine shared something that got me laughing real hard….remember I tried to explain the sign for Bipolar…well here’s another one.

with with palm in flat position like this…. 00000, then behind it you sign the F word, move it under the flat palm and move to the front and sign ILY.

It’s an attempt at Bipolar humor. Just something I thought I’d share….really got me laughing. Made so much sense

I Can Not Believe….

….it’s been over a month now since my downward slide into darkness and thoughts of suicide.

Today, I feel so much more alive and in tune with life in general despite having to deal with mom in the hospital and a new job. Things are looking so much better these days, with my future intact and my goals now clearer.

I always dread these times. Much as I try, I often take steps to prevent this, because I KNOW what the end result is and it’s often death. I dont ever want to take my own life, but to be honest, the pain, the loneliness, the despair of this disorder gets the better of me and it is hard to get out of it.

My saving grace is my friends and family. I’m glad I reached out for help and those who responded are going to be my friends for life (screw the rest who didn’t bother). Family on the other hand….well, you know we’re stuck with them! Not one of them responded on the blog, but in real life, the one that really got to me was my son’s wife, even though my son, really got my butt moving to the ER, his wife came up to me and without a word, hugged me really hard. That was what I needed the most, to be reminded that even if we don’t get along, the love is still there. It’s funny because my son’s wife hardly ever talks with me in the 10 years I have known her.

For those who also have to deal with being bipolar, the ‘psychic’ pain can be seriously overwhelming and simple things like a hug or acknowledgment of this is usually what helps to bring about change and bring back the individual to their former self.

Much as the internet has been a big boon to the deaf community, it’s the actual physical connection that works best. I have done so much research on bipolarism, contact people who understand this disorder and read articles after articles, even though it helps to educate myself, it’s not enough. My son’s wife’s hug was the biggest breakthrough for me, and it can be as simple as a stranger coming up to you asking if you are okay. Even the police, when they are called in situations like this, the concern on their face is heart-touching.

To my friends who took the time to check me out, and reach back, you have my heartfelt thanks for a life saved, and a mind preserved! Love you all!

FEAR

Something I learned many many years ago and still continue to keep it in my head.

FEAR means “False Evidence Appearing Real” or “F*uck Everything And Run!”

Even though I had this in my head to remind me, fear has recently invaded my life and kept me hostage for a couple years. One of the reasons I love 12-step meetings. They are so insightful and come up with things like this that helps remind me and countless others.
It’s an excellent tool to remember!

Damn! The sign is more important than the issue?!?!

Today I got an incredible 144 hits just for bringing up the sign for Bipolar. Jeez! Is that what the deaf community has come to? Signs vs issues.

I feel pity…sad…that discussing issues such as being bipolar is NOTHING compared to what the sign for being bipolar is. Shows a lot of shallowness. Which is sometimes why I feel so blah with the deaf community in general. No meat or depth.

Or maybe I’m just silly or paranoid…