Not looking forward….

…to going to NAD. I have to go because of my job, but to tell the truth, im still uncomfy being around people, especially those stuck up snobs and creme de creme elitist. It’s such a pretend world, and for me to be in that only makes it harder for me to deal with myself. In other words, staying true to myself at the same time, putting on a heavily make-up face, smiling at certain jerks who don’t deserve my time, energy and presence. Sure I’m being arrogant about it, but gee, why do we have to pretend to like someone when we actually despite and for some, violently repulse them.

I try hard to be positive and just not let them get under my skin, however, sighhhhhh, they just do, I don’t really have anyone I can share my thoughts or repulsion if needed, simply to get it out in the open and out of my system.

I was never good at holding things inside of me. the longer they stay inside the more it festers and then in time it will explode. I’m trying, I’m really trying….

If anybody is reading this…come to the mental health workshop given by Wendy Lokinsky (sp) on Tuesday afternoon and intro yourself to a consumer there who will share 5 min on living with stigma.

Its a new feeling

I feel Antsy….nervous like I’m on edge and can’t seem to stop it. I just learned it’s called Anxiety. I have heard this word so many many many times, but never really related until now. My son managed to get me some xanax from his sister in law but for two days I took it, NOTHING happened. Didn’t even relax me or calm me down. In fact it just got worst.

I, then decided, after quitting the use of a herbal substance, to go back to it and presto, calm and clear headed. What really gets to me is this stuff is illegal and yet, it is the only thing that will control my anxiety and constant crying. Finally got me to focus on my work and my environment. Says a lot about the legalization that is needed for this kind of medication.

Yes, there are going to have to be changes and one of them is moving out to an environment very, very conductive and receptive to the likes of me. In other words, just time to move on…even though the idea of losing family scares me, it did make me think one thing…what have I got to lose? I spend ten years trying to hook up with family and I’m still in the same place I was ten years ago. The hell with them. MY family is the people who want to be with me and I with them.

One thing for sure, it’s gonna hurt like hell!