NAD and Stigma was an experience

I couldn’t wait to come home from NAD. It was not the best experience for me because I was not ready to deal with the intense social interaction. I found myself being closed off of people in general and only open up to a few. It was exhausting for me to keep on smiling and making sure I did my job while there.

I have always enjoyed NAD, but this time it became a chore. All those highly educated and sophisticated deaf and hoh people was overwhelming. I had 3 freaking anxiety attacks, one right in the middle of my guest presentation on stigma in mental health and the deaf. I cried in front of 50++ people and had to run out and to my room to calm down. It was downright scary. The other two times, was when I visited the De ‘Via room. It was a wonderful creative place and would have been an escape from the madness of the NAD Whirlwind. Except it scared the shit outta me and made me tear up so bad again I had to run to my room.

You know, if NAD had a place where people like myself could go to, similar to the interpreter or SSP room, it would have been tremendously helpful because it would also be a place where one could get peer support.

Mental Health continues to be a stigma and its even worst there because highly educated people do not have these “issues”. (hope you know I’m being sarcastic here). They were so involved in Deafhood and other deaf issues that anything else doesn’t seem to exist. The one workshop on Mental Health barely covered stigma and the ones who did talk, talked about OTHER people, not their own. I feel this is a clear disrespect of the person being talked about privacy and journey in their own lives. Professionals who work in the field know they have to keep things confidential, but those who don’t work in the field think they can say whatever they want. I guess you can guess I’m pissed about this because I’ll be damn if anyone talks about MY mental health without MY permission.

I guess the danger is, if one shares about their struggles and accomplishments, people think they can talk all they want about that person. Often what happens is everything gets twisted around and before we know it, the original story told by the person who shared is lost and the deaf community has a negative view of that person. It’s so unfair, but then, that’s life…it’s not limited to the deaf community…hearing community and those of minority cultures also deal with this stigma issues. Argh!

In a perfect world, ACCEPTANCE, RESPECT AND TRUTH would be a dream! Oh well…

Depressive End of being Bipolar

I am right now in the depressive end of being bipolar. What that means is that the mania is non-existence and life is a dark circle of trying to pull oneself up by the bootstraps.

I started new medication that is suppose to elevate my depression because the bipolar meds I’m taking is keeping me on the down low. I hate the thought of having to once again find the right combination to get me back into my normal state. This is not an immediate result but may take a few years to really stablize. Sheesh, being in the mid-50’s I AM tired!

I’m getting older, my life situation is changing (hopefully for the better) and Im constantly overwhelmed with making the changes from where I live in the midwest to a western state. It will be like going home, but we all know that famous line “You cant go home again”, Living in the midwest is hard especially when living in a town where you’re the only deafie. I will be going from zero to 60 in a couple of months and am not sure of how I will be.

Yes, that is life! We all experience changes whether we like it or not. For me it means becoming uncomfortable again so I can learn. Perhaps its in the cards for me to see from a different perspective. It does make me depressed. I try to remind myself there is a LOT to be grateful for, because a lot of people are going through hard economic times not to mention their living situations are horrendous. I have to constantly remind myself that I’m fortunate to be living in America, not in China or Africa where a lot of people are really having difficulty with their living situation. I AM fortunate.

I can’t wait to get into therapy and start talking, because ten years of holding a lot inside of me has become too much and this is why I’m depressed. I feel very alone,