I couldn’t wait to come home from NAD. It was not the best experience for me because I was not ready to deal with the intense social interaction. I found myself being closed off of people in general and only open up to a few. It was exhausting for me to keep on smiling and making sure I did my job while there.

I have always enjoyed NAD, but this time it became a chore. All those highly educated and sophisticated deaf and hoh people was overwhelming. I had 3 freaking anxiety attacks, one right in the middle of my guest presentation on stigma in mental health and the deaf. I cried in front of 50++ people and had to run out and to my room to calm down. It was downright scary. The other two times, was when I visited the De ‘Via room. It was a wonderful creative place and would have been an escape from the madness of the NAD Whirlwind. Except it scared the shit outta me and made me tear up so bad again I had to run to my room.

You know, if NAD had a place where people like myself could go to, similar to the interpreter or SSP room, it would have been tremendously helpful because it would also be a place where one could get peer support.

Mental Health continues to be a stigma and its even worst there because highly educated people do not have these “issues”. (hope you know I’m being sarcastic here). They were so involved in Deafhood and other deaf issues that anything else doesn’t seem to exist. The one workshop on Mental Health barely covered stigma and the ones who did talk, talked about OTHER people, not their own. I feel this is a clear disrespect of the person being talked about privacy and journey in their own lives. Professionals who work in the field know they have to keep things confidential, but those who don’t work in the field think they can say whatever they want. I guess you can guess I’m pissed about this because I’ll be damn if anyone talks about MY mental health without MY permission.

I guess the danger is, if one shares about their struggles and accomplishments, people think they can talk all they want about that person. Often what happens is everything gets twisted around and before we know it, the original story told by the person who shared is lost and the deaf community has a negative view of that person. It’s so unfair, but then, that’s life…it’s not limited to the deaf community…hearing community and those of minority cultures also deal with this stigma issues. Argh!

In a perfect world, ACCEPTANCE, RESPECT AND TRUTH would be a dream! Oh well…

I am right now in the depressive end of being bipolar. What that means is that the mania is non-existence and life is a dark circle of trying to pull oneself up by the bootstraps.

I started new medication that is suppose to elevate my depression because the bipolar meds I’m taking is keeping me on the down low. I hate the thought of having to once again find the right combination to get me back into my normal state. This is not an immediate result but may take a few years to really stablize. Sheesh, being in the mid-50’s I AM tired!

I’m getting older, my life situation is changing (hopefully for the better) and Im constantly overwhelmed with making the changes from where I live in the midwest to a western state. It will be like going home, but we all know that famous line “You cant go home again”, Living in the midwest is hard especially when living in a town where you’re the only deafie. I will be going from zero to 60 in a couple of months and am not sure of how I will be.

Yes, that is life! We all experience changes whether we like it or not. For me it means becoming uncomfortable again so I can learn. Perhaps its in the cards for me to see from a different perspective. It does make me depressed. I try to remind myself there is a LOT to be grateful for, because a lot of people are going through hard economic times not to mention their living situations are horrendous. I have to constantly remind myself that I’m fortunate to be living in America, not in China or Africa where a lot of people are really having difficulty with their living situation. I AM fortunate.

I can’t wait to get into therapy and start talking, because ten years of holding a lot inside of me has become too much and this is why I’m depressed. I feel very alone,

…to going to NAD. I have to go because of my job, but to tell the truth, im still uncomfy being around people, especially those stuck up snobs and creme de creme elitist. It’s such a pretend world, and for me to be in that only makes it harder for me to deal with myself. In other words, staying true to myself at the same time, putting on a heavily make-up face, smiling at certain jerks who don’t deserve my time, energy and presence. Sure I’m being arrogant about it, but gee, why do we have to pretend to like someone when we actually despite and for some, violently repulse them.

I try hard to be positive and just not let them get under my skin, however, sighhhhhh, they just do, I don’t really have anyone I can share my thoughts or repulsion if needed, simply to get it out in the open and out of my system.

I was never good at holding things inside of me. the longer they stay inside the more it festers and then in time it will explode. I’m trying, I’m really trying….

If anybody is reading this…come to the mental health workshop given by Wendy Lokinsky (sp) on Tuesday afternoon and intro yourself to a consumer there who will share 5 min on living with stigma.

I feel Antsy….nervous like I’m on edge and can’t seem to stop it. I just learned it’s called Anxiety. I have heard this word so many many many times, but never really related until now. My son managed to get me some xanax from his sister in law but for two days I took it, NOTHING happened. Didn’t even relax me or calm me down. In fact it just got worst.

I, then decided, after quitting the use of a herbal substance, to go back to it and presto, calm and clear headed. What really gets to me is this stuff is illegal and yet, it is the only thing that will control my anxiety and constant crying. Finally got me to focus on my work and my environment. Says a lot about the legalization that is needed for this kind of medication.

Yes, there are going to have to be changes and one of them is moving out to an environment very, very conductive and receptive to the likes of me. In other words, just time to move on…even though the idea of losing family scares me, it did make me think one thing…what have I got to lose? I spend ten years trying to hook up with family and I’m still in the same place I was ten years ago. The hell with them. MY family is the people who want to be with me and I with them.

One thing for sure, it’s gonna hurt like hell!

It’s the isolation, the solitude, the aloneness when your mind starts to do funny things to you, say things that are old, or long long ago forgotten. It brings back negative thinking and then becomes even more isolating because no one wants to hear what your mind is saying…only a therapist…and who can afford one, especially a lousy hearing therapist who has no concept of the ‘deaf’ experience.

I need one desperately. I dont know what to do, how to go about getting one over VP. Since I live in a town that tends to call deaf “death” or the nearest deaf friendly therapist is in another state.

It’s the iolation of feeling like the only intelligent deaf in my neighborhood. I just dont care to be around people whos biggest excitement is the local baseball team and what other deaf people do or worst-the backstabbing, gossiping, malicious behavior. I want to be around great minds.

It’s the isolation of family, who has their own lives to live, and is tired of being around me that sometimes I feel like they tolerate me. They say they love me but I can’t feel it. I SO want to feel or understand what their love is like. All I usually see is they are upset with me or mad at me.

It’s the isolation of not being able to be fully 100% honest in public…to see all the masks everyone is wearing and know its not real. So many of them have grotesques mask…plastic, unexpressive and frozen.

The friends I cherish. They want so bad to understand me, but I can see it in their eyes, they can only go so far, then they have to return to their lives.

It’s the pain, the sorrow of being alone, so deep, sometimes I just want to hurt myself so I can feel I’m still alive and living in a REAL world. People say cherish this time, because later you will be busy.

It’s the isolation of this time that I fear, because it always comes back to pain, nothing but numbing and painful ache, deep and dark.

A friend of mine shared something that got me laughing real hard….remember I tried to explain the sign for Bipolar…well here’s another one.

with with palm in flat position like this…. 00000, then behind it you sign the F word, move it under the flat palm and move to the front and sign ILY.

It’s an attempt at Bipolar humor. Just something I thought I’d share….really got me laughing. Made so much sense

….it’s been over a month now since my downward slide into darkness and thoughts of suicide.

Today, I feel so much more alive and in tune with life in general despite having to deal with mom in the hospital and a new job. Things are looking so much better these days, with my future intact and my goals now clearer.

I always dread these times. Much as I try, I often take steps to prevent this, because I KNOW what the end result is and it’s often death. I dont ever want to take my own life, but to be honest, the pain, the loneliness, the despair of this disorder gets the better of me and it is hard to get out of it.

My saving grace is my friends and family. I’m glad I reached out for help and those who responded are going to be my friends for life (screw the rest who didn’t bother). Family on the other hand….well, you know we’re stuck with them! Not one of them responded on the blog, but in real life, the one that really got to me was my son’s wife, even though my son, really got my butt moving to the ER, his wife came up to me and without a word, hugged me really hard. That was what I needed the most, to be reminded that even if we don’t get along, the love is still there. It’s funny because my son’s wife hardly ever talks with me in the 10 years I have known her.

For those who also have to deal with being bipolar, the ‘psychic’ pain can be seriously overwhelming and simple things like a hug or acknowledgment of this is usually what helps to bring about change and bring back the individual to their former self.

Much as the internet has been a big boon to the deaf community, it’s the actual physical connection that works best. I have done so much research on bipolarism, contact people who understand this disorder and read articles after articles, even though it helps to educate myself, it’s not enough. My son’s wife’s hug was the biggest breakthrough for me, and it can be as simple as a stranger coming up to you asking if you are okay. Even the police, when they are called in situations like this, the concern on their face is heart-touching.

To my friends who took the time to check me out, and reach back, you have my heartfelt thanks for a life saved, and a mind preserved! Love you all!

Something I learned many many years ago and still continue to keep it in my head.

FEAR means “False Evidence Appearing Real” or “F*uck Everything And Run!”

Even though I had this in my head to remind me, fear has recently invaded my life and kept me hostage for a couple years. One of the reasons I love 12-step meetings. They are so insightful and come up with things like this that helps remind me and countless others.
It’s an excellent tool to remember!

Today I got an incredible 144 hits just for bringing up the sign for Bipolar. Jeez! Is that what the deaf community has come to? Signs vs issues.

I feel pity…sad…that discussing issues such as being bipolar is NOTHING compared to what the sign for being bipolar is. Shows a lot of shallowness. Which is sometimes why I feel so blah with the deaf community in general. No meat or depth.

Or maybe I’m just silly or paranoid…

I just learned a new way of signing Bipolar.

The way it used to be was by taking both middle fingers inwards (definitely NOT “the bird” ha!) and on your chest, you have one middle finger at the top of your chest and the other one at the bottom, then move it at the same time up and down, keeping it in opposite directions.

New sign is palms upwards, one facing outwards and one facing inwards. Then move them at the same time but in opposite directions facing inwards then facing outwards.

God, I hope I make sense! This sign sure made sense to me, much more than the older one.

Whatcha all think?