Becoming Stable

PAH! PAH! PAH!

Finally things are getting better on my end, now that my doctor upgraded my meds and I can “SEE” my thoughts. For weeks it was becoming more and more a blur until I could no longer “see” and could only “feel”.

The thing about having this disorder is the danger of losing one’s perspective AND, becoming increasingly negative. The negativity is what really got to me and made me even more depressed and self-destructive not to mention being self-centered and feeling like a victim of circumstances. Getting out of that and back to my usual “crazy-fun” behavior, feels so much better. I’m still not fully healed, but at least I see the light at the end of the tunnel.

One thing for sure that helped me is this…making decisions about my life. Instead of being unsure and constantly trying to stick to a decision I made 10 years ago, I just simply needed to evolve into my current situation and move forward with it. So, deciding to let go of my old decisions and moving on into new ones that fits where I am today, has been a relief and I feel better about it as well.

No wonder!

I tried to get on DeafRead, hoping that I can reach out to more people. I was just talking to another deaf womyn who has a blog (http://www.deafanxiety.blogs.com/) and would have been extremely helpful to many many deaf people. They rejected her blog because it’s not deaf enough.

I submitted this blog last weekend and again today. Still heard nothing from them. No wonder the deaf community is full of sick people and people who continue to perpetuate denial of mental health support or services. DeafRead is a perfect example of that! Shame on them!

Another Day

(Editor’s note-I wrote this on May 27th under pages and realized today it wasnt showing up in my posts. Argh!)

The last couple days has been quiet for me, allowing me to at least do a few things around the house and focus on staying away from the negative.

As a bipolar person, the extreme ultra sensitivity of sensing people around me, emotions that may come my way or negativity just makes it harder for me to deal with because it seems when I feel something, I can’t just feel it, I have to feel it deeply, and sometimes it goes on for days and days.

I know as an artist, it can be helpful and creative, bringing originality and innovation to the forefront. Just seems that right now, its so very raw, at times confusing and if there is anything negative, it won’t leave.

I know that everyone has their ups and downs, as well as life pains they have to live with and I understand and relate to it. All I can say is the feeling is ten times deeper and extensive than the average person. It gets more so as I get older, and go through some life changes, as well as hormonal changes. It’s so important for a bipolar person to continue to seek the help they need, maintain their medication and work towards keeping the focus positive.

Being Bipolar

This is my first post, and the first time I am telling people the thoughts, be they crazy or irrational or logical,

Through the years, I have gone through so many ups and downs, most of the time I’m confused and scared and alone because my access to help is often limited.

Went to the ER last night because I’m so sucidal and angry and sad.

I have watched so many people who were my friends and family, cut me off or just basically fade away because they dont want me around them any more. Or I have sensed the shame they feel by being associated with me and just ignoring me in public.

I dont know what else to do except create this blog and perhaps over time, it will help not just me, but people who also deal with the pain and lonliness of this little understood disorder. My own family, still can’t seem to understand there are certain things I need, and one of them is to be acknowledged as a member of the family over and over and over. Coming from a hearing family, and despite their ignorance of the nuances of deaf people, it seems they get so tired of me “complaining” about being left out that I just literally stopped intermingling with them, stopped talking about life and sharing what I am up to. They literally have no idea who I am, except when I’m in a bad place, then they impatiently deal with me. They just dont understand that my life is not ’sound based’ but visual all the way. I love my family but I’m so afraid that once my mom passes on, I’m done and cannot live any more.

I have been extremely suicidal for the last few weeks and in all honesty, I really don’t want to die because there is so much to do….however, that deep hole inside which becomes darker as the days wear on makes me feel hopeless and alone because I think I’m worthless and bad.

This blog is not only for me, but for anyone who needs a safe place to go, to share, to cry and being with others who also feel left out, alone, hopeless and god forbid, suicidal. Please let your friends and family know about this blog, Who knows, maybe there is someone worst off than me, who has absolutely no access and no support.

To the so-called professionals, you’re welcome to join us, but please be aware, that your words of ‘knowledge’ means nothing because you happened to have a degree and work in the field of mental health. Being bipolar does not mean we’re stupid and helpless. A majority of bipolar people are extremely intelligent, sometimes verging on the genius, and we can spot a fake a mile away.